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Attendants and Guests

A Pint-Sized Problem

Get yourself a game plan for your little ones if you're heading for a wedding.

Christine Regan is facing a dilemma. As a member of her cousin's wedding party, she's going to be part of a whole weekend of activities, including the rehearsal dinner, the prewedding brunch, and, of course, the ceremony and the reception. "Don't get me wrong. It's all fun stuff," Christine, 31, ofBolton, admits. "But it's the whole weekend and where is there time for my little Parker-just a wee sixteen weeks old?"

Should children attend weddings? Well, quite frankly, that's up to the bride and groom."It's the bride and groom's day-the one day when the bride can have everything her way."

Is the pleasure of your company requested?

Leave your little ones at home if the invitation is addressed strictly to the adults in the household (if, for example, it reads "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" or "Jane Lewis and Bob Tyler" only). Those that mention and family (or list the names of each child) imply that kids are welcome.

Some couples send a separate card stating their children-at-the-wedding policy. Sandy Russell and Toby Jones have planned their rural Pennsylvania nuptials to be child-free. Since many out-of-town guests must bring their kids with them, however, the pair included information on the resort's family activities in their invitations. "We're emphasizing that kids are welcome at the resort for the whole weekend," explains Sandy, 31. "And I'm providing a babysitter if parents want one."

No exceptions to this rule

Every mom thinks that her child is exceptional, a guest shouldn't request that an exception be made for her child. And if the invitation leaves some doubt as to the wedding's child policy, politely ask the bride or groom—and don't argue or become hostile if they've nixed the junior set. "When you are the guest you are invited to share the joy of the occasion," Don't overstep your boundaries, but be honest about your needs and concerns. Most people are willing to help find a solution."

That solution may include arranging for group supervision of the pint-size contingent. Many of Lisa Shaheen's guests at her wedding inManchester, two years ago had young kids. To accommodate them, The Bower Hotel, the site of the reception, set up a separate room and entertainment. "We hired a clown and some babysitters and served special meals," Lisa, 37, says. The children joined the adults to watch the bride and groom cut the cake. "The kids had a great time and the adults were free to enjoy themselves. It was a good way to handle the situation." If the nuptial duo hasn't made these sorts of plans, you might want to get together with other out-of-town guests and hire a babysitter or two (the bride and groom or your hotel may be able to recommend sitters).

When children are invited

Even if your kids are included, that doesn't mean that it's okay to let them be their most exuberant selves. Children can add an entertaining energy to weddings, but you're still responsible for reining in your little one's behavior.

Be prepared to make a hasty exit from the ceremony area if your tiny tyke starts howling. We suggests that children not crawl or run around the tables and chairs during the reception, which will avoid any unfortunate collisions with servers or distracted adults. Supplying young kids with coloring books or puzzle toys is a good way to encourage quiet play.

Also, keep a close eye on your kids if they're getting down with the music. Tammy Hirsch, 26, who was married this March, remembers, "My seven-year-old flower girls were rather rowdy on the dance floor." All the wedding activity can be exhausting and overwhelming to children; in general, says Comeau, "it is time to leave if the kids are disrupting the party."

When you must decline

"My wife, Stacie, missed both my cousin's and my best friend's weddings because we had a nursing baby," laments Jason Morris, 25, of Openshaw. As parents of a one-month-old boy and a two-year-old girl, "being away from the babies for hours is not an option for us."

Stacie, 24, turned down the invitation by responding on her RSVP card, but some parents may chose to send a separate note explaining why they won't be there. "It's fine to decline on the RSVP," Bonner says. "But a follow-up note or phone call will assure the bride and groom that your best wishes are with them on their special day."

Although it's disappointing to miss the big event, an invitee shouldn't jeopardize her friendship with the couple. When Margarita and James Abate married in New London in 1995, Margarita's best friend didn't come, because she couldn't bring her child. "I thanked her for letting me know personally why she couldn't be there," says Margarita, 33, of Leeds, "but I haven't heard from her since. It's sad."

Whether or not you can make the wedding, remember that just being asked to be a part of it is a warm gesture. As Comeau puts it, "feel honored to be invited and respect the wishes of the people getting married."


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