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Attendants and Guests

When Good Friends Make Bad Bridesmaids

Stop! Before you ask that pal to be in your wedding party, see if she's one of these types guaranteed to be an imperfect attendant.

by Stephanie Portnoy

"I've got four days to break up a wedding, steal the bride's fella, and I haven't one clue how to do it."-Julia Roberts, maid of honor, in My Best Friend's Wedding.

The bridesmaid running off with the groom is something that (hopefully!) only happens in Hollywood. Nearly every bride, however, has got horror stories of the ways in which her closest friends threatened to spoil her show. It begs a compelling question: How well do you really know the people you ask to be in your wedding's inner circle?

Once you've got the ring, most brides pick their attendants as a reflex action.This can be a mistake. "Picking a bridesmaid should be a practical decision, not a romantic one. To avoid stressful situations, be brutally honest about the personality traits of friends and family. A drama queen in everyday life is not going to stop being a drama queen for your wedding." So before you call your oldest pal for her measurements, read on. If she's like any of these types of bridesmaids, you may think twice before picking up the phone.

The Love Machine

Forget about love. This potential bridesmaid is looking for sex—and plans to add another notch to her bridesmaid's dress at your reception. When a bridesmaid acts out, sexually or otherwise, try not to take things personally. "It's helpful to view the people in your wedding party observationally-almost like watching a play". Detach yourself and concentrate on the positive aspects of the relationship." But you can also protect yourself by setting boundaries before potential mishaps occur. If the thought of a bridesmaid getting busy in the banquet hall's bathroom makes you cringe, rigid requests, like a 12-hour vow of celibacy on the big day, are perfectly legal.

The Fashion Faux Pas

Mia*, a 31-year-old writer who was getting married at the end of April, invited a European friend to be a bridesmaid. Never having been in an British wedding, the woman wouldn't buy matching shoes and hinted that she may show up with funky, dyed hair. There's always one bridesmaid who sees the backless sheath you've selected as an excuse to get a new tattoo. Be cognizant of friends who march to the beat of their own drummer. In this case,the bride hasto let go of control issues and have a little faith. Few brides make it through a wedding without having a "laugh/cringe at your bridesmaid" moment. In the stress of it all, you may even appreciate the comic relief.

A Fork in the Road

You're getting married. She's not. In addition to being thrilled, your friend may also feel jealous, lonely and betrayed at the prospect of your new life. When you first feel the tension, both of you should lay your cards on the table. "Acknowledging the transitions you are both going through is the way to keep the lines of communication open," "Working through these feelings when they are small will keep the friendship from suffering larger traumas."

The Misfit

My college roommate, Sue*, never fit in with the rest of my bridesmaids—who found her to be a love machine, a fashion faux pas and a fork in the road all rolled into one. I had turned a deaf ear for years as they begged me to end the friendship—and paid the price with a lot of stress before the wedding. In addition to other annoyances, Sue called me an hour before the ceremony to see if I could give her a ride. Since she was 45 minutes away, I told her she'd have to leave the bride out of it. She was cold to me during the reception, then ran off with an usher to London. The moral of the story? If all your other friends don't like someone, listen to them. There is a reason.

* Names have been changed


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